During my good days, I forget how long I have been suffering. In that moment, it really is of no importance to me because I am feeling good and my hope in the Lord is strong. On the hard days though, the weight of 10 going on 11 years of suffering is strong. It feels unbearable. It feels never ending. It feels final.
I caught myself in that moment last night as I cried on the phone to my sister. I lamented that I was tired of fighting. None of the medications or treatments were working and my poor body was exhausted from the constant influx of pain and fatigue. How in the world was I going to keep going? My sister reminded me that I had been here before and God picked me up and helped me take another step forward. The selfish part of me ignored that kindness of God and complained about not wanting help to keep going, but rather healing so I didn’t have to keep falling.
I’m sure Jesus would have loved to stop after His first fall with the cross on His way to Calvary. That thought hit me the next morning in my prayer time and the shame of my selfishness washed over me like a wave. How weak am I, I wondered? What urged Jesus to get back up each time?
The love of His people. Veronica stood out in my mind as I thought of her kindness when she wiped his face. She risked her life to meet Him where He was on the ground and show Him kindness. The guards could have arrested her, beat her even. But her heart was so focused on Jesus, that the threat of physical pain didn’t matter.
Come near to me in your pain. Allow yourself to suffer with me on my journey to Calvary. Your willingness to offer this circumstance up to me is what gives me to courage to get up and keep going.
As Jesus spoke that to my heart I was filled with courage and a desire to surrender it all to Him. He doesn’t want to see us in pain, but can you imagine how much joy it brings Him to see us take that pain and offer it to Him? When you do that, you are transported to that dusty road. You are Veronica wiping His face telling Him, “I trust You. Allow your goodness to shine through this pain. Let me be your light to the world.”
So, whether your season of grief and trial is short or going on year 11, embrace those moments when you stumble. Cry to the Lord. Let Him see your heart. Then imagine yourself on the road with Him and step out with courage to wipe His face as you offer it all to Him. As His sons and daughters our lives can represent His love to the world. Our trials can prove His mercy and compassion is ever present. Our attitude can be the arms that lift Him up again.
I needed to read this. Thank you.
God bless you, Leah, during your struggle with this cross. He is with you and it is evident. Your light shines brightly. We all have suffering in our lives and your transparency provides encouragement. Thank you. Prayers for you!
Hi Leah,
Jesus does will to heal you!
Matthew 8:1-3
Scripture also says, Jesus TOOK our infirmities, we don’t have to carry them.
We must come against THAT which is coming against us, by renouncing it, every detail of illness, and breaking its power in the Mighty Name of Jesus Christ!!
Perhaps a Litany if Forgiveness is helpful and needed.
Sirach 27:30 – 28:7
Then ask God to fill you up to overflowing with His Holy Spirit, His Life, His Healing, His Restoration, and His Wholeness!! Perhaps have a good trusted friend, to lay hands on you and pray, as Jesus commanded us all to do!!
I’ll also be praying for you!!!
God bless you!!!
Hi Angie, thank you for your encouragement. You’re right, He does desire to heal us and we can find so much hope in that! In the waiting though, it is so important to remember how powerful our offering can be and how many souls are waiting for that intercession. There is also so much to learn from Jesus in the midst of our suffering and it’s good to remember that He can teach and heal us in other ways if we are willing to bring that hurt and those trials to Him. God Bless you!- Leah